Let’s talk about sex and infertility…

Sex in marriage is a spontaneous, creative, playful and beautiful thing between a couple. When infertility enters the picture, that beautiful experience is turned into structured work. Depending on the type of treatment schedule, doctors may tell couples when and when not to have sex, including prescribing an ideal position, peak fertility days are tracked with pressure to perform on those days. There is a big difference between doing something because you want to and doing something because you have to do it.

Infertility can take the fun out of sex, affecting a couple’s sense of physical and emotional intimacy. It is important for couples struggling with infertility to protect their relationship by continuing to have fun together, be physically affectionate, go on dates, communicate with one another about things other than infertility, and communicate and share how they feel about the infertility journey, and to not let infertility be the only focus of their lives. This is easier said than done and it is never a perfect process. Focus needs to be on making intentional effort rather than perfection. It is a daily choice to make that effort. Your marriage is the foundation for everything else in your life and that foundation needs to be strong and secure.

A client of mine explained infertility to loved ones by comparing it to playing the lottery. Imagine if you played the lottery all the time and never won. You worked hard, studied as much as you could about probabilities and odds and always played the numbers that gave you the best chances. You got almost all the numbers right a few times but getting close doesn’t win you anything. Every month you do everything to win and then experience complete loss and disappointment. Then someone comes along, plays once on a whim and wins the jackpot. You still haven’t won anything. But you have to sit there and watch them go to the bank, cash the check, spend the money and be happy for them. For infertile couples, having a baby would be winning the lottery and they are surrounded by lottery winners who have not had to work as hard to win.